You are my sweetest downfall.

Sometimes I feel lost in this trance, it's so dream-like, but nightmareish, and it's like I'm falling, falling. No one is there to catch me. Nobody can hear me scream, nobody sees me. That's like life, we're all in this together but we are really just alone. Someone might be holding you at night but they're thinking their own thoughts, they are their own person. You can have a best friend forever but you're still alone. The trick is to find the people who make you feel like this isn't true, but really it still is. It can still be comforting.

So tonight,
sing yourself to sleep.

I've had my share of closing doors.

I don't want to keep anything inside anymore.
I want to be free of every single inhibition I have.
I just don't know where to start.
[how about from the beginning?]

Pondering.

Sometimes I have entire days devoted to just thinking about everything. Do you ever get the feeling that maybe you just might think too much? Absolutely. But then I would never feel like my happiness was real. I can't live in that artificial sugar coated world some people seem to be so comfortable in. In other news, I really love Led Zeppelin.
...and fast food burritos.
Dammit, Lent has only been going on for 4 days. :[

Time keeps on slipping . . .

You have to be willing to go after your dreams in order to live.
If you don't, then what are you even doing existing?

the things I currently desire:
-to not live in my mother's house.
-lots of wine.
-to live by a lake.
-tattoos.
-a fairy companion.
-love.

It's like walking outside your door, and discovering you're not awake at all, but you really are. You know?

They locked the devil in the basement, threw God up into the air.

Sometimes happiness can come in low doses, but have these amazing effects. When I'm happy I start having these desires to do things with my life. I become incredibly motivated, and hungry for knowledge. It makes all of the tiny hidden incisions on my body stop making sense. The thoughts in my head start to quiet down. I'm able to find some sort of peace with everything in the world.

Her kisses are like the sweetest, strongest drugs
and the effects are long lasting;
I become lost inside dreamlike fantasies
and I never want to come back to everything else.

You won't ever remember what you choose to forget.

The truth is you can make yourself forget anything if you try hard enough, and you can become lost in some sweet sweet secret kept only with yourself. It just depends on how your morals are, and how okay you happen to be with lying to yourself.

"It's like the weight of the world was just sitting in her hands..."

It's time, you know.
Time for what? to go. You don't know what you have until it's gone. Sometimes that's really true, but not in this case, for me at least. I know exactly what it is I want and have, and I am not taking one moment for granted. So I have to ask this very blatant and honest question, why is it I don't happen to be good enough? No, not for myself..
for you.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Sometimes I really don't know what to do. I could be staring at a solution dead in the face and still not realize it's the right thing to do. And sometimes? Yeah, sometimes I don't want to do what's right. Sometimes I want what feels good now. Who cares about later, right?

It's just one of those things. "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

Look what you missed, living like this.

If you want maybe drop by sometime
put some flowers on my grave
so that I will look beautiful in my silent sepulcher.

I never thought I would hit a point in my life where I'd feel like I had run out of sources of happiness. Even in my darkest days I still had my little things: my writing, my songs, my few friends, cooking... there was always something that made me feel good. I could smile for a little while and it would be genuine. Everything felt real, I stopped feeling numb for that little moment in time. Mark my words though, I will never stop seeing the beauty in this world. Sometimes people show me ugliness but I have to remember in our own ways we're crazy beautiful, we're insane but amazing. It's true you can't hide forever. And you know what's even truer? "There are worse things you can do to the people you love than kill them."

This is how it feels, when the trust you had is broken.

Do you ever sit inside your little bubble, wishing so hard that someone will come along and just...pop it. Or maybe just join you, either way works you know. You just want someone to look at you and just want to know absolutely everything. You want them to drown out every other sound except your voice. Listen to your every dream, passion, nightmare...to have them hang on every word and practically inhale your being. This isn't worship, this is love. And you know what? Maybe you find this love in a best friend. Maybe you haven't found this friend yet. Yeah you know what, that is probably exactly it.

Life is funny, but not ha-ha funny.

The funny thing about depression is, sometimes you don't know that's what you're going through. You feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, but you think it's just normal. You cry over small things but again, you think this is normal. Go on, laugh. Because sometimes it really is that funny. You go to a the-rapist and they tell you that you could just be going through a hard time, maybe this will all disappear soon. Here, let me give you some medication, this will help you sleep. Yes, and lithium makes you feel just amazing. It makes you stop feeling, yes it makes you stop feeling EVERYTHING.

So then here you are, you're not sad but you're not happy. You are essentially a robot. It's like someone has a remote to your emotions and they've put it on pause. You go about in a daze, and nothing seems to make sense, but you don't really care that it doesn't. So you decide to get off of the meds, and the good doctor's advice. And now you're hurt, you're angry, really fucking angry and you don't know how to control it. What is happening? You become even more withdrawn and all the time not knowing what's causing this. You're just...having emotional problems, right? Nothing is wrong, everything is absolutely perfect.

And eventually you'll find something that makes you happy. So so happy and you forget about everything that hurts. You might even pick up a hobby, start writing letters or reading books. But this isn't enough, you wonder where everything went? Everyone is gone, or not close to you anymore, and without your pain you feel undefined. It's this awful cycle you just keep going through, and everyone thinks you're making it up.

Are you making it up? You know, they say pain is relative, and well if everything is relative, doesn't it make pain somewhat made up? Maybe we're overreacting, or maybe it really does hurt this bad. You don't know, I don't know, nobody knows okay? And nobody gets it. We're all just stuck in our own bubbles waiting to be saved.
And you know what? Maybe this is all in vain.
After all...maybe nobody's coming.

How come I don't have ballerina slippers?

"How did it feel?

How did what feel?
Falling through glass.
Turned into diamonds.
Did it hurt very much?
Only a little.. my hands.
I have lots of tiny cuts,
they look like Soldier Ants marching home.
How did it feel?
Like flying."


I want to start painting. I'm not very artistic or anything, but it would be nice to be able to get all of my emotions out on paper, in picture form. I've recently been inspired by way too much not to turn it into something productive. I didn't do much today, I mostly sat around watching french film admiring french beauty and wishing I could be just as beautiful and lovely sitting on a balcony smoking french cigarettes and drinking expensive champagne.

Folding laundry has always been somewhat therapeutic for me, and a lot of people must think I'm so crazy for saying something like that, but never ask me to do yours. I think it's important to identify yourself with all of your components, and clothing is definitely a part of what makes us up. If it were up to me I'd be an expert seamstress and I'd make all of my clothes, live in a cottage by a lake and eat the healthiest foods all the time, practice holistic healing and take care of my animal companions. I hate when people say they own animals, it's so rude and just not what Mother Nature intended.

I'm starting to cook more, which is fun. I just want to move past all of the artificial fillers and be healthy and happier. I feel like the more I purge my body of toxins, the more space I am clearing for happiness, and the less I have to think about all of the bad things. It's important though, to remember all of that, it's how we learn everything.

I want to be thin, and pretty,
weightless;
like a feather. Like an angel,

only more alive.